MY STAR TREK STORIES

Leonard McCoy sighed and clicked off his medical log. It wasn't even as if there was anything of note to report.
  "I don't know how much longer I can stand this, Chris," he complained to his head nurse. "Surely someone on this ship has more wrong with them than a cut finger or a bruised toe."
  "Shame on you, doctor, wishing illness on innocent crewmembers," Christine chastised, but smilingly, for she was enjoying the present state of affairs no more than he.
  McCoy stood up sharply, keen to do something, anything rather than stare at the walls of the empty sickbay. "Maybe I'll get in on a game of snakes and ladders in the rec room. Coming?"
  "Why not? There's nothing going on down here."
  The rec room was as hectic and riotous as sickbay was not. Christine went to join Uhura and a couple of other crewmembers who were in the throes of a game of Monopoly and McCoy found Kirk and Spock, with Scotty an interested onlooker, trying to have a quiet game of chess.
  Kirk grinned as McCoy approached. "Hi Bones, how's it going?"
  "Not at all," McCoy growled morosely. "Nurse Chapel and I came up here for a bit of light relief. Sure you haven't got a headache, Jim, or a fever of some kind?"
  Kirk shook his head with mock sorrow. "Sorry, Bones."
  McCoy turned to Spock who immediately remarked: "I am quite well, thank you, Doctor. Really, your ghoulish desire to see us all in sickbay is becoming quite uncomfortable."
  McCoy looked at Scotty and groaned. "No use asking you, Scotty. You look as fit as the proverbial flea."
  "Why thank ye Doctor, I feel it too."
  "I give up. On this ship I'm redundant. Two cut fingers and one bruised toe is all we've had in two weeks. Whatever happened to the days when you were all falling off cliffs, catching deadly fevers, being stabbed or poisoned or just generally attacked by alien creatures?"
  "Never mind, Bones, it can't last forever. Although personally I'm quite content being healthy," remarked Kirk, just as Dave Georgiu arrived at the table.
  "Hi Dave," Kirk said cheerfully. "I can tell by that look in your eyes; what've you got this time?"
  "I've found a couple more interesting games for you, Jim," the ship's historian said, placing a board on the table. "This one's called 'Cluedo'. All you have to do is try and find out who dunnit - "
  "If you will excuse me, gentlemen, I'm sure I will find something of greater interest to occupy me on the bridge."
  Georgiu's amused gaze followed Spock's retreating back. "Mr Spock certainly doesn't appreciate all my efforts."
  "Can you blame him? You've got the whole crew playing these games you've dug up. Everywhere he goes Spock's confronted with people calling 'snap!' or 'down the snake!'. It's no wonder you're not his favourite person just now," Kirk said, grinning.
  "You know, Jim, I swear that Vulcan gets more human every day," remarked McCoy.
  "Don't let him hear you say that," cautioned Kirk. "Okay, Dave, we'd better hear about this 'Cluedo'."
  "That's not all. I've programmed the computer with another ancient game. It's called a 'beetle drive' - "
  "A what?! You're not suggesting ...?"
"No, no, not real beetles. Listen, it's like this ..."
  At that precise moment, perhaps mercifully, the red alert sounded. Within a minute the rec room was deserted.
  Down in sickbay, McCoy and the rest of his staff waited eagerly for the casualties to roll in. When the red alert ceased and still nothing had happened, McCoy called the bridge.
  "Spock here."
  "What's goin' on, Spock? Why weren't we attacked?"
  "I'm sorry to disappoint you, Doctor," replied Spock, in a tone that suggested he was anything but sorry, "but the alert was extraneous. The Romulan ship which approached was merely interested in finding some fresh players for a game of T'ket'hir they are running. The Captain and several other crew members have gone aboard."
  "You mean the Romulans are as bored as we are?"
  "It would seem that patrolling the Neutral Zone is an exceedingly tedious task, only assigned to those ships which have somehow disgraced themselves," Spock replied.
  McCoy cut the connection and looked round at his dejected staff. "Anyone for a game of 'Happy Families'?" he asked.
  Sickbay emptied in seconds.
  That evening, McCoy, Uhura, Scotty and Christine Chapel were attempting to master 'Cluedo' under Dave Georgiu's tutelage when Kirk arrived at their table with a handsome Romulan at his side.
  "Gentlemen, ladies, this is Drek, commander of the Lyarak. He's very interested in all these old games you've found, Dave. He wants you to teach them to his crew. They're all tired of the Romulan games they've been playing for months."
  "Sure Jim, that's no problem. Well, we may as well start with 'Cluedo'... "
  Kirk left them to it and strolled off, grinning at Georgiu's enthusiasm. In fact, for this trip, the historian had been almost the only one with anything constructive to do. In the main, it seemed to be keeping the crew happy. Except Spock.
  Kirk turned as McCoy called behind him.
  "What's the matter, Bones, tired of 'Cluedo'?" he asked as McCoy caught up with him.
  "Tired of this whole thing, Jim. When that red alert sounded this morning I was sure we were going to get some casualties at last."
  "You know what, Bones? So did I!"
  "This must be a first, huh, Jim? Human/Romulan détente, and all due to boredom."
  "Drek says he has nothing to lose. He's already in trouble with the Praetor and Romulan High Command, although he won't say why. That's the reason the Lyarak's on patrol in the Neutral Zone."
  They had reached the door to McCoy's quarters. He bid Kirk goodnight and settled down to read some medical journals whilst lubricating his throat with a few tots of Scotty's whisky.
  The next morning he entered sickbay feeling much the worse for wear. As he clutched his head and searched for some pills to relieve the condition, he noticed that the place was bustling with activity. His spirits brightened considerably and he grabbed Christine Chapel as she hurried past.
  "What's happened that I don't know about, Chris? Are there some injured?"
  His head nurse looked at him blankly. "No one is injured, Doctor. We've arranged with the Romulan medics to hold a beetle drive here." She hurried off.
  "Beetle drive!" McCoy muttered to himself. "Why did I ever think space work would be exciting?"
  Later that day, he stood in his customary position of importance on the bridge. Kirk was sitting boredly in his chair and Spock was working at his science station, although McCoy couldn't imagine what he was working on. On the viewscreen hung the Romulan ship, apparently motionless, although in fact it was matching course and speed with the Enterprise whilst remaining within the Neutral Zone.
  "How long before we break away from the Neutral Zone, Jim?" McCoy asked.
  "Twenty-six hours. That should give Georgiu enough time to teach the Romulans all he knows. You know, Bones, I don't know which is the more tedious, sitting here staring at the Lyarak all day, or playing those interminable games. I mean, there's only so much you can do with snakes and ladders, only so many variations you can invent."
  "Well, Jim, maybe you should try the beetle drive. It's going really well down in sickbay."
  Two pairs of eyes settled on him coldly. The owner of the coldest pair (who can't have been as engrossed in his work as he had appeared), remarked icily, "One wonders how you managed to drag yourself away, Doctor. Surely the longer you remain here the greater the excitement you miss."
  McCoy did not bother to reply to this blatant sarcasm. In any case, Spock had already turned his attention back to his 'work'. Kirk, of course, was extremely amused and was chuckling to himself when Uhura swung around in her chair with a worried expression on her face.
  "Captain, I'm receiving reports of disturbances in rec room 2 involving the crew of the Lyarak."
  "Wasn't it in rec room 2 that they were all playing 'Happy Families'?"
  "Yes sir, I believe so."
  "Notify security at once, Lieutenant. Let's go Spock, Bones." Kirk ordered.
  When the trio arrived in the vicinity of rec room 2 they found a full-scale brawl taking place. And not just in rec room 2 either. The pent up boredom of both crews seemed to have erupted into violence all over the ship, which now resembled a battleground. McCoy left Kirk and Spock to it and hurried to sickbay. At last there would be some casualties! As he left the area he spotted Kirk receiving a hefty blow to the stomach.
  Luckily, sickbay seemed to have survived the vagaries of the beetle drive unscathed and McCoy had his staff and the Romulan medics working efficiently together as they dealt with a variety of injuries to both crews, from the minor to the more serious. Eventually, both a bloodied Kirk and Spock were brought in. When they had been attended to and everything was settled and cleared up in the now overflowing sickbay, McCoy looked about him with satisfaction.
  A small movement to the left caught his attention. He approached the bed in question with a steely glint in his blue eyes. The occupant of the bed was trying to get up.
  "What do you think you're doing?" McCoy asked sternly.
  "As I am quite recovered, Doctor, I shall return to my post."
  "Oh no you don't, Spock. You'll be here for at least a month with those injuries. Nurse!"
  Christine Chapel rushed up, hypo in hand. Spock had already sunk back down on the bed in dismay. A quick shot from the hypo and he was asleep.
  McCoy glanced at the next bed, whose occupant was smiling. "You want the same treatment?" he threatened.
  "Not necessary, Bones. I suppose you're happy now?"
  Leonard McCoy looked around his sickbay and grinned. "Sure as hell beats snakes and ladders, Jim," he replied.

THE NOSE HAS IT

Kirk groaned loudly as McCoy brandished his medical scanner in the general direction of the Captain's illustrious nose.
  "Relax, Jim, I'm not intending to touch it," assured McCoy.
  "I tell you, Bones, I want to know who's responsible for this and when I find out, their feet won't touch the ground," said Kirk darkly and for the sixth time.
  "Well, luckily it's not broken, just badly battered. It'll be pretty black for a week or so, but there's no permanent damage," McCoy diagnosed.
  "Black! Bones, I can't walk around this ship with a black nose!"
  McCoy spread his hands. "There's nothing I can do about the colour, Jim. Any covering I could put on it would be just as conspicuous."
  Kirk rose abruptly from his seat and punched the intercom on McCoy's desk. "Mr Scott, have you found the cause yet?" he barked.
  "I've got my best technician working on it, Captain," was the reply, and Kirk was certain that he heard a quiver of amusement in his Chief Engineer's voice.
  When the bridge doors had failed to open as Kirk strode purposefully towards them, his outermost appendage had received a rather painful knock. Kirk seethed as he recalled the smirks on the faces of the bridge crew.
  "I wish to be informed when the fault is found and corrected, Mr Scott," he ordered coldly.
  "Aye Captain," replied his Chief Engineer properly and, Kirk thought, resignedly.
  He turned and glowered at the hapless McCoy. "My thanks for your 'help' doctor."
  McCoy winced at the emphasis and composed his expression as Kirk made for the doors in his usual confident manner only to hesitate as they opened.
  Kirk strode down the corridor to the turbolift, his mood as black as his nose. His eyes raked the crew members who passed for signs of mirth, but luckily for them, he reached his quarters without spotting any.
  Once there he headed straight for the mirror where he inspected the offending organ from all angles, finally reaching the conclusion that he couldn't possibly return to the bridge but would remain in his quarters for the time being. He lay on the bed to an accompaniment of nasal throbs and eventually fell into an uneasy sleep in which he dreamed he was trapped in a corridor and couldn't get any of the doors to open. He awoke sheathed in perspiration and swore he wouldn't leave his quarters until the fault was repaired and his nasal coloration had toned down.
  Two days later he switched off his viewer with a sigh of disgust. He'd been using the time to catch up on his reading but if that was the best they could do he'd stick to Milton and Shakespeare.
  The door buzzer brought him out of his contemplations.
  "Come," he called, only to have his started gaze behold his First Officer and Chief Medical Officer both sporting discoloured noses.
"Spock, Bones." Kirk manfully held back a chortle.
  Carefully controlling his features he asked: "How did it happen?"
  McCoy gave a humourless bark. "Scotty's technician found the fault all right, but in repairing it he had to hold all the doors for a few seconds. Half the crew have bruised noses!"
  "Indeed, Captain, it would seem that your appearance will no longer be conspicuous."
  Spock's remark was too much for Kirk. He collapsed into guffaws of mirth. He laughed so hard his nose throbbed .......

INSIDE AMOK

McCoy materialised in the transporter room with a feeling of immense relief. It had given him no pleasure to behave so harshly towards Spock, but it had been necessary.
  He realised that Kyle was staring at the prone body of his Captain, and immediately ordered him to send for a stretcher for Kirk. A quick medical check proved that the Captain was, indeed, not dead, although he was barely alive either. With the combined effect of the combat and the neural paralyser, it was no wonder it had been so easy to convince everyone that Kirk had died.
  McCoy was thankful that the stretcher arrived promptly. He would not be easy until Kirk was safely in sickbay.
  Christine Chapel gasped when she saw who was being brought in. "What happened, doctor? Is he -"
  McCoy forestalled any further questions by snapping, "Exarine, nurse, quickly."
  Chapel did not dally in preparing the hypo, but was nevertheless exceedingly curious as to why Captain Kirk should need an antidote to a neural paralyser.
  The hypo hissed against Kirk's arm and McCoy began to relax as the indicators over the bed rose. With one eye on the monitors he glanced at Chapel. "I'm sorry, Chris," he said, "I was worried about the Captain."
  Even as he spoke Kirk's eyes opened. He looked puzzled for a moment and then tried to sit up, only to be restrained by McCoy.
  "Not just yet, Jim. You took quite a beating down there. Not to mention a dose of neural paralyser."
  "A dose of WHAT?! I seem to recall you telling me that was tri-ox compound, Bones. Shame on you!" Kirk was grinning, nevertheless.
  "I had no choice. It was obvious Spock -"
  "What happened to Spock? Where is he?"
  "I left him on Vulcan, but he should be back soon. Jim, he - uh - he thinks he's killed you."
  "The neural paralyser? It convinced even T'Pau?"
  McCoy nodded, adding guiltily: "My acting was pretty good too, though. I can't deny I was rough on Spock. He's talking about giving himself up to the authorities."
  Kirk gave McCoy a look of mock severity. "That must have been some acting, Bones."
  "Well, I'd like to know what else I was supposed to do, apart from watch my friends kill each other!" McCoy blustered.
  Kirk chuckled and sat up, grimacing as he did so at the various aches and pains caused by the fight with Spock. McCoy gave him an I-told-you-so look but refrained from comment.
  "You're right of course, Bones, and I approve - especially as it kept us both alive."
  McCoy, mollified, said: "Hmm. Well just you rest there for a while longer, then maybe I'll throw you out of sickbay."
  It was a very short time later that Spock arrived. Kirk, who was out of sight but not out of earshot on his sickbay bed, was immediately alert.
  Spock began with no preamble. "Doctor, I shall be resigning my commission immediately of course -"
  "Er Spock, I -" McCoy interrupted him guiltily.
  "So I would appreciate your making the final arrangements," continued Spock, ignoring the interruption.
  "Spock I -" McCoy tried again.
  "Doctor, please let me finish. There can be no excuse for the crime of which I am guilty. I intend to offer no defence. Furthermore, I shall order Mr Scott to take immediate command of this vessel."
  While Spock had been speaking, Kirk had made his way to the doorway and at this last remark, said: "Don't you think you'd better check with me first?"
  Spock turned sharply at the familiar voice. "Captain! Jim!" he cried, grinning with pleasure.
  McCoy looked on, smiling. All in a day's work, he thought.

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